Why We Need Each Other
Most if not all wounds are formed in relationship, in connection with another. So what does that mean about healing? …There’s gotta to be some other people involved at some point!
Often something did or did not happen with another that led us to:
(1) internalise and believe something “bad” about ourselves, and/or
(2) shutdown survival activation in the body.
Breaking these down a little further…
(1) We lock up “bad” parts who hold “I’m stupid”, “I’m unloveable”, “I’m not worthy”, “there’s something wrong with me” etc. – the personal lie(s) we believe about ourselves. We try everything to hide from people seeing it – from seeing us – which would be devastating. This is shame. This hot, nauseating, wriggling urge to run and hide, is healed through being witnessed without judgement, rejection or dismissal. When we feel “badness” within us being seen, a big emotion tends to comes up. Safe connection with others, simply holding space for the big emotion to move, dissolves the shame.
(2) Trauma can be described as an incomplete response to a perceived threat. We get a rush of adrenaline and cortisol to act and protect ourselves (i.e. fight/flight). If that activation isn’t fully accessible to us, however, all the unused energy locks up in a frozen state (e.g. shutdown, disassociation/functional freeze, fawning/people pleasing). The system feels unsafe to let that energy out unless it's sure the threat has passed. As social mammals reassurance of safety predominantly comes from another, from co-regulation. Longer held trauma then becomes what did or didn’t happen after the event. Was there supportive co-regulation? Was there other bodies physiologically signalling it's safe now the threat has passed?
In relationship we have the opportunity to create new imprints. When we discharge old survival or shame energy in a safe environment with others, wounds that originated in completely different relationships can be healed. We need each other.
This healing that occurs in the presence of another is amplified within a group! Our radius of safety expands even further. We gain a stronger foundation to go out into the world and not negatively internalise experiences.
