Why Is It Hard to Receive?
Most of us suck at receiving. We push away being deeply nourished emotionally. It seems counterintuitive; who doesn’t want to be given unto. But here's some common ways this inability to receive shows up:
Batting away a compliment, playing down something good, or complaining when something good happens.
Repeatedly attracting in or being in relationships/friendships with emotionally unavailable people; those who are not able to be present with your whole being and your feelings.
Being hyper-independent to the point you wear it as a “strong” badge.
Continually falling into the role of advice giver in close relationships. Not having that dynamic reciprocated, finding that change in dynamic uncomfortable, or not knowing how to (i.e. can’t connect when not in that role).
Being the controller, manager, coordinator of situations or relationship dynamics, and having panic when not in control.
Defaulting to anger and frustration when communicating with loved ones about something difficult in your life, rather than vulnerably sharing your heart.
Sexually only focusing on the other person’s experience and maybe on being “good”.
Keeping people at a distance emotionally. Perhaps connecting deeper mainly through substances and sex.
Those struggling with the above tend to have a nervous system that learned when they were young that vulnerability causes discomfort. They then pull away and protect themselves so they don't have to feel that discomfort. Over time repeating this pattern results in the above outcomes, which all feel safe, known, and in their emotional control.
Many of us shut down connection to our needs a long time ago to avoid feeling the pain of them not being met. Somewhere along the line we established subconscious beliefs that (1) we weren’t going to get our needs met, and/or (2) it’s better to not have needs at all, because they’re “bad” or having them met comes with serious negative side effects. The bodily sensations of how it feels when you receive becomes a distant memory. Receiving is then more unfamiliar and unknown for your nervous system than not. The system labels the unknown as unsafe, and you unconsciously move away from feeling it.
You have to feel to receive. When we feel a vulnerable yearning being met, however, the times when we needed it the most come forward. For me, for example, receiving used to bring up grief around what I didn’t receive from my Dad who wasn't in my life. Receiving unlocks grief from when we didn’t receive our needs being met. A deep grief we’re often trying to avoid acknowledging and feeling.
How malnourished we may feel in being truly seen and emotionally held, can also be very confronting if we haven't built capacity for feeling and processing our own vulnerability. Our past helplessness also plays a role, particularly as babies when our survival depended on receiving our needs being met. Receiving reminds us of our need for one another, our vulnerability, and our past felt helplessness.
Avoiding grief or your relationship with vulnerability and helplessness, means you will inevitably avoid anything that reminds you what's there: people, situations and parts of yourself where you could receive. With the breath and somatics we process grief and discomfort around vulnerability from the past, so you can open up to feel safe to receive in the present.
