The Only Thing We’re Ever Looking For
What motivates us to behave in certain ways and seek the things we do? When we say we want something – a relationship, a job, a different home, to travel – what are we really saying? …We’re saying we want a feeling.
We are only ever wanting a feeling, we feel through our body. We do what we do because we believe it will deliver a certain feeling on the other side. Our brain has a map: X thing (e.g. pay rise) means Y feeling, and Y feeling feels good. This map, however, is often mixed up of internal truths and external societal conditioning.
It’s not actually the new clothes we want, it’s how they make us feel. An internal truth could be the fabric feel on your skin, or the colour feeling like a unique expression of you. External conditioning, however, may be that having the item feels like it means something about your worth. Or getting external validation may feel like being loved. Unfortunately, without awareness of this we can move our bodies towards what we’ve been told to strive for to be ‘happy’ – we outsource our feelings and life. We seek certain feelings in this way mainly in the avoidance of others.
How does this avoidance function? Let’s use the example of a self-punishing or over-analysing thought pattern. Fighting to prove something in my head keeps me away from feeling underlying grief, shame, rejection in my body. I seek this cognition pattern to feel relief, and I avoid unpleasant emotions in the process.
Another example: embodying a tense body out of perfectionism and an unauthentic smiling face as part of people pleasing. This behaviour can supply a brief feeling of connection, belonging and safety despite the self sacrifice. Approval also provides relief from the fear of shaming and disconnection. If certain feelings have been put above all others due to fear, we can seek them out to our own detriment – like an addict seeking out a substance to ‘take’ the pain away.
Many feelings like safety, however, can be garnered within you – for example by connecting with nature. Can you bring awareness to the feelings you are seeking and why? Can you work with your mind and body to provide more safety and feel what’s really there – your truth despite the discomfort?
By confronting less enjoyable feelings and emotions, you create space for genuine alignment and authentic expression – your actions are no longer predominantly motivated by fear, escaping or numbing. You are motivated by seeking the truth and depth of your unique experience. Everything in life (work, relationships, objects, activities) then becomes a channel through which you can expand your true energy. The energy of what feels ‘right’ to you. Externally manifesting from what feels authentic for you – motivated and guided from the inside out.
